Hello! could i please have some feedback for my essay + approx grade :)

would also appreciate some feed back for grade improvements

**Question-**Regonisable setting in a text make us reconsider the world we live in

‘’And kill those who kneel and pray,’’, you wouldn’t think this would happen in our beautiful country Aotearoa, to make you reconsider the world we live in it did. The poem “Massacre’’ written by the New Zealand Poet Tusiata Avia is a magnificent depiction of the Christchurch terrorist attack on two mosques (Ai noor and Masjid) that happened on the 15th of March 2019. The poem describes in great detail the many effects of the massacre, which cuts deep to readers and the effects of colonisation historically in New Zealand. Avia relates real places in Aotearoa to the many traumatic events that occurred e.g Auckland, Christchurch and New Zealand itself. I believe that recognisable settings are important to the readers as it makes us reconsider the world we live in and potentially learn something new, which is always of value.

I agree that recognisable settings should make us reconsider the world we live in, as it helps to deepen our connection with literature. ‘’Yes, I remember standing in the hallway when I was 6 years old… Spirits rising through the floor… Walking to school with them catching the bus with them’’. In this quote Avia describes her child-hood years and dealing with the effects of colonisation in Christchurch. The words ‘’spirts’’ is alluding, describing the white British colonialists who took the land many years ago, leaving it scarred. The spirits hang around like ghosts. The quote shows us that the recognisable setting of Christchurch is scarred with trauma from past historical implications which may not have been known before. These factors all play a part in helping the reader create the significant connection between themselves and the poem, in turn sympathising for not only the poet but the wider population affected. These quotes also may make the reader reconsider the world they live in as they may not have been aware of these traumatic effects on not only the land but the people as well, showing us the effects of colonisation are deep rooted within society. Again it is important readers create these connections so that they can gain a better understanding of the text.

“And run, and run and run… And find the body of a boy and take his phone and tell his mother that he is dead’’ let that set in. This quote from the poem cuts deep within the readers, it makes them stop and think for a second, reconsidering the world we live in. The repetition of and in this quote helps to enforce the panic and fear set in by the victims of the Christchurch mosque attack. It helps us to try to understand what they went through, even though we never will. The use of boy is almost a wakeup call for the reader, that no one was spared in this disgusting act of terrorism. The Christchurch mosque shooting took place in Christchurch, our country, the place we call home. It is now apparent to the reader that this took place here, there is no more ignoring the facts. People tend to dissociate themselves from the problem ‘’that individual from Australia,’’, a he’s not us mentality. However, by Avia bringing this into light, that these terrible things did happen here it changes the reader’s perspective and makes them reconsider the truth. Its important truths are revealed whether that be through careful reconsideration or relation.

Another significant setting discussed more readers may be able to relate to is Auckland. We know that Avia discusses the massacre itself but what about the aftermath? ‘’The women do the grieving in Auckland.’’ The quote is explaining how women do the grieving. Women do the grieving for the lives lost to the massacre because they are the ones who bring life into the world. The emotive language groups everyone together and we all feel the effects, it’s not only Christchurch and muslims that are affected but the whole country and everyone. These recognisable settings especially Auckland (because many of us live here) is very exposing to the readers making them think and reconsider possibilities. ‘’Jacinda has her hand over her heart as she speaks’’ The prime minister Jacinda Ardern addresses the issue in auckland ‘’she is wearing a black and gold hijab’’. The black and gold hijab signifies death and new beginnings, it is comforting to the reader that she involves herself in this way. She has her hand over her heart, is touching the readers. It really consolidates how this event has affected not only the people in Christchurch but the whole country. These ideas make the readers reconsider the world we live in as we are now brought to the truth that these events can happen and do happen.

In conclusion, Avias’ poem is a magnificent and emotional piece of literature that describes the effects and the Christchurch mosque shootings that happened on the 15th of march 2019. It is important that the readers make significant connections with the world around them as it deepens their emotions and feelings more toward the poem. Knowing that these events could happen down the road. It’s unsettling but it’s important that we are aware of these things. New Zealand will forever be scarred from this disgusting act and we live in constant fear that this may happen again. I’d like to end off with a quick quote to leave you thinking ‘’Write you this poem that will not end’’.

Kiā ora
You work to establish the statement in the intro which is good. It might be a good idea to start by kind of setting up what it means to you at the start as a kind of thesis statement and then bringing in the details of the text you are going to use to make your case. -Eg a recognisable setting allows us to confront things we have taken for granted when it hosts events or actions that are totally alien to our understanding. It makes us think again and potentially learn something new, which is always of value.
Solid second paragraph with the swamp ghosts. Good detail and unpicking of meaning. Perhaps you could add the notion that the setting is recognisable also because of the trauma, with a colonial past there are implications we need to consider and this allows us to see more clearly what it all means?
In the next paragraph you also have some good details - at the end you say ’ that these terrible things did happen here it changes the reader’s perspective and makes them reconsider the truth. Its important truths are revealed whether that be through careful reconsideration or relation." To get the insight of E you could really go into this. It is at the core of your argument - what is the truth? why is it important?
In the next paragraph again solid details - but more needed about the why the events happen? which is what she wants us to discover when we see the events.
The conclusion needs to come back to the argument you are making - that a recognisable setting where something happens makes us reconsider the things we have always felt we knew and see things differently and this gives us a better understanding of the deeper implications and threads that run through our society. The massacre leads to comments/ thoughts on parallel situations with Māori and their suffering and other examples of unthinking racism and how we need to confront where we stand on the issue.
You have what you need here to create a great E essay.
Hope that helps

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This is great thanks