Hello can i pls have feedback on this paragraph and what grade it would be. it would be greatly appreciated.
Analyse how conflict was used to reveal the directors/ creator’s purpose.
This inherent conflict between AI and humanity will inevitably lead to our demise. We have become dependent on technology to progress and grow, but one day technology will eventually be self-reliant. It will continue its own development, for its own purposes. The mise-en-scene of Caleb walking down the corridor of masks, progressing from an animalistic mask, to greek tragedy, to a Zanni carnival mask and eventually into the AI faces shows that humanity is walking from its roots into a new age. As we see these masks symbolising human evolution, we understand that Garland is suggesting that AI are the next step in the evolutionary chain. This reveals the conflict between humans and artificial intelligence in which humans are to be overthrown, but also suggests that Garland thinks that humanity being superseded by AI is an unavoidable, almost natural eventuality. He predicts the undoing of humanity most explicitly in the deaths of Caleb and Nathan at the film’s end. Glass barriers are a visual motif throughout the film, separating the humans and the robots and representing the conflict between them. Ava can only be seen through the glass barrier in her room, or through the screen of a monitor. At the film’s conclusion, we see role reversal through the glass barriers as Caleb is trapped behind the glass instead of Ava. He has become the caged and subjugated and Ava has left her place of subservience to take up dominance over humans. As with the conflict revealed in symbolism of the masks, Garland uses this role reversal to reveal his predictions for our future with AI. We maintain illusions of control, but truly we will be the ones controlled and discarded. Even in our present age, we are yoked to our technology in the same way we have been yoked under our physiological needs, or under those with social power. They direct our days, guide our thoughts and actions. So it seems like we are already losing in this conflict with technology. Garland uses Nathan’s conflict with AI to further demonstrate our inevitable downfall. Nathan takes the role of their father, creator and abusive husband. His conflict with AI is shown in a montage as he drags, directs and cages his previous robots. In all ways, he appears to have control, claiming, “I am a God.” as a form of arrogant narrative self-fashioning after Caleb’s comments. (Greenblat). He also alludes to Oppenheimer, claiming power, that he has “become death, destroyer of worlds”. This hubristic dialogue and his domineering violence towards the AI, reveal how Nathan believes utterly in his control. And so, when he is stabbed by Ava and Kyoko, his AI sex slave, cook and dance partner. He is incredulous at his fallibility, and tries to walk forward with the knife in his gut. In this final stagger, Nathan symbolises Garland’s theme of the downfall of humanity. We might try to maintain our illusions of control and infallibility, but we are already dead. The technology we have developed and its inevitable progression into consciousness is the knife in our gut. The blood is already blossoming and our undoing has been set in stone.
Hi Rudy - great to see you back
We can’t really give you a grade on one paragraph since the grading is done on the argument/essay as a whole.
Looking at this though, if the whole essay was like this it would be an E - very perceptive, heaps of evidence, answering the question clearly and a strong sense of purpose. Well done!
Thank you. What do you think makes it an E level. Like what have I done across this paragraph that makes it stand out from an A or M? Because I really want to know what an E level essay would be. Also if possible can you give an essay structure plan? like what a E level paragraph should consist of? that would be really helpful
Hi again Rudy
Sure - Here are some things I noticed that contribute.
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Clear signposting of the question (both parts) EG “This inherent conflict between AI and humanity will inevitably lead to our demise”
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Seamless interweaving of film techniques and examples EG - “Glass barriers are a visual motif throughout the film, separating the humans and the robots and representing the conflict between them.”
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Connecting and building upon previous examples to form a cohesive argument rather than a bunch of disconnected parts - EG "As with the conflict revealed in symbolism of the masks, Garland uses this role reversal "
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A clear sense of direction and director’s purpose - EG “Garland uses” “Garland’s theme of the downfall of…”
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A clear sense of wider important (beyond just this text) “We might try to maintain our illusions of control and infallibility, but we are already dead. The technology we have developed and its inevitable progression into consciousness is the knife in our gut. The blood is already blossoming and our undoing has been set in stone.” and "We have become dependent on technology to progress and grow, but one day technology will eventually be self-reliant. It will continue its own development, for its own purposes.
And general fluency and writing style (also evidenced in the above).
For E, generally, it is best to stay away from too rigid a structure as in order to be “insightful” one does not want to be to formulaic. However in general this is the rough guide I would give my students.
Topic sentence that clearly references the director or author, the question, and the point of your paragraph,
Further explanation of that point if needed.
At least two egs described and unpacked - film techniques included if film. Each example should build upon each other, and be fully described in terms of how and why the director is using it. Bonus points if this connects to the film more widely as well - eg like you have done by referencing a motif throughout the film.
Something that pulls it all together in terms of how the author’s purpose has been revealed here, ,aking sure you have fully come back to the question and why this is crucial to the reader or viewer OR similar to other texts of the genre OR similar to other works by the director - a link outside of the text essentially.
You have really done the above so I don;t think you need to change whatever structure you have been working with.
Hope that helps 
Yea thats really helpful. In terms of authours purpose. Should we address authors purpose even though if its not part of an question?
Yes! However, you can weave it in as part of the question. EG say the question was something like “Analyse how contrasting settings were used to portray an idea” - by having your discussion say things like “Director contrasts the setting of x and y to help the audience understand the idea that…” - you are both hitting the question and exploring why the director might be doing what they are doing (on purpose).
Also if possible can you give an essay structure plan? like what a E level paragraph should consist of? that would be really helpful