Could I please get some feedback on my essay? Thanks :)

Question: Describe a pivotal relationship in a written text you have studied. Explain why the relationship was pivotal.

Animal Farm

Greed will skew the weak minded and destroy meaningful relationships. Greed is the most fatal flaw of man is the one thing holding back the advancement of mankind. We see this in George Orwell’s novel animal farm, where the character Napoleon is plagued by greed. Throughout the novel we have multiple instances of Napoleons greed hindering the animal’s revolution.

After overthrowing Mr Jones and getting the farm to themselves, the animals reap the leftover yields of the cows and apple trees. There is leftover milk and apples for the animals to divvy up. When they came back from work, they notice the milk and apples went missing. “But when the animals come back, the apples and milk are gone.” George Orwell hints to us that the pigs had eaten the apples and milk for themselves. Their greed had taken away the other animals’ fair shares. This hurts the integrity of the revolution because every animal is supposed to be equal, but greed had skewed that right from the beginning. Napoleons relationship with greed was pivotal because greed was the thing that destroyed the revolution.

After taking to Mr Jones house, the Pigs quickly discover a massive keg of beer. Napoleon claims most of it for himself and gets super drunk. His hangover leads the animals to believe that he is dying and as such they add a commandment that states, “No animal is to drink alcohol.” Napoleon realises that his hangover is not fatal and sends squealer to once again change the commandments. “The animals walk in to see Squealer painting on the wall of commandments.” This quote shows that Napoleons greed for alcohol drives him to change the fundamental laws of the farm like it is nothing. Napoleons relationship with greed is pivotal because greed allows Napoleon to do stuff against the best interest of the farm.

The first windmill proposed by snowball was meant for improving the living conditions and comfort of the animals. Napoleon instead uses it to mill corn for more profits to go to more beer. Napoleon says, “we will use this windmill to mill corn” Because of this, the animals miss out on the luxuries promised to them by snowball. Greed drove Napoleon to sacrifice the comfort of the animals for his own sake. Napoleons relationship with greed is pivotal because Napoleons greed hinders all of the animals.

Kia ora jharrison

So a nice hook to your essay intro - However the rest of your intro does not address the question you have chosen! Try to set up your answer to both parts of the question here - “One pivotal relationship in the text was…” “The relationship was pivotal because…”

You have some good examples throughout, and a good understanding of the events in the text.

What will improve this is looking a bit at your structure and your depth of analysis.

Firstly - rather than starting each paragraph with plot, aim to start each paragraph focusing on the question to signpost to the marker where you are going “Orwell first presents the relationship between Napolean and greed through…”

Secondly - I would suggest building your explanation of the “pivotal” part in each paragraph - Eg where you say “Napoleons relationship with greed is pivotal because greed allows Napoleon to do stuff against the best interest of the farm.” - expand with "it is also pivotal because it helps us understand the key theme of… which is significant because… etc etc.

Hope this helps :slight_smile:

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