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Kia ora WordSmith,
That is a lot of plot for an introduction. You could simplify this and weave more of the relevant details into your body paragraphs. It would be good to have a stronger focus on the question in the introduction and identifying what symbols you are going to be focussed on. You would also have benefitted from identifying the theme. Make sure all key words from the question are used and responded to.
With your body paragraphs, I’d always recommend starting with a sentence that clearly addresses the question. For example, “The first symbol Gillespie introduces the viewer to is…” or “Symbolism is evident in the first shots of the film as Gillespie introduces us to…”
Be specific with identifying and describing shots. In your first body paragraph, you mention “the first shots” and “cinematography” but don’t mention a long shot that establishes the setting.
When you say “camera holds a close up shot on his eyes”, do you mean an extreme close up? If only the eyes are in the frame, we would identify that as being an extreme close up. You’ve also referenced the actor’s gesture but haven’t followed that up with a description. Are you meaning the action of him covering his face? Try to weave in identifying the techniques with your description of them.
Make sure you’re always specific with your analysis of techniques. Avoid vague statements like “shows us that it holds significance.” What does it show? Why is it significant?
In every body paragraph, make sure you are using the key words from the question. I don’t think you’ve used the word “theme” at all in this essay. Make it easy and clear for your marker to see that you’ve understood and responded to all aspects of the question.
Ka pai tō mahi, and thanks for sharing your writing with us.
Best of luck for tomorrow 