Pls anyone could i get feedback on my written text essay

Hi this is an another essay I did. Can you pls give me any feedback if possible and tell if its an excellence grade piece or what it would need to be excellence

Describe a memorable idea in a written text you have studied.
Explain why the idea was memorable to teenagers

In the book They both die at the end, written by Adam Silvera a memorable idea was that no one should be afraid of death and this idea was shown through a series of events. A event that showed this memorable idea was when Mateo receives the dreading phone call from Death-Cast calling him that he was going to die today, another event that showed the memorable idea was when Mateo finally realised what he had finally done in his life after hanging out with Rufus. The event where Mateo received the phone call helped me understand how precious life is and how you should live every day like it’s your last while the event where Mateo realised what life actually is showed me how we should let our fears of death go and live our lives to the fullest. Through these events, Silvera showed an idea of how memorable it is for teenagers to live their lives without regret and despair and how no one should be afraid of death because having a fear of death can really set you back in life.

The fear of dying shouldn’t stop you from doing the things you want to do otherwise it will lead to regret and despair. In the beginning of the book, Mateo got a phone call from Death-Cast informing him he is going to die today. He regrets it immediately “The number one person I’ll miss the most is Future Mateo, who maybe loosened up and lived” Mateo is already looking back at his life thinking about all the opportunities he missed out on. “Loosened up and lived” these words from Mateo particularly stood out to me as even he realised that there is so much to live to explore but his sadness and anxiety stopped him from doing all that. Mateo later on goes on to think about what his headstone should say. “What a waste of a life” “I have to do better, I have to honour this” Mateo realises he has still got time and wants to spend the rest of the day living in another version of himself. The repetition of “I have to” highlighted that Mateo is very eager to change the way he is living and enjoy himself on his last day which he couldn’t do all his life, Silvera has used the repetition to put an idea into the reader’s mind that when it comes to your death you get all the regrets so it’s better you live your life with a purpose from the start and not being afraid of death as having a fear could really set you back from doing the things you want to do such as exploring the world a thing Mateo couldn’t do as he just wanted the safety of his own bed. Silvera’s purpose is to show that we can live our lives with meaning and not think about regrets otherwise it could lead to regret and despair, Silvera has used Mateo’s character in this event to show how his fear of death has led to regret and despair because he was so afraid of trying new things as he wanted the safety of his own bed and staying home. This is so memorable to teenagers because teenagers are at a stage in life where they fall into bad habits and do not live life to the fullest, they are just staying at home and playing stupid video games and instead are not exploring the world which is way more helpful, it can also be linked to the real world because so many people are scared of trying new things eg. Sky diving and when they are in their death bed they are regretting the activities they didn’t do.

Throughout They Both Die at the End, Silvera encourages us to let go of our fears of death because it can lead to regret and despair. This idea is really memorable for teenagers as they can fall into bad habits and not get out as this will lead to regret and despair, we can see that in Mateo’s development. Mateo coming to terms with himself is one of the events that progresses this idea. In which this event he talks to himself about his change in mindset and how that’s allowed him to, after living in fear and now regret, finally let go of the fear of death and lived his life truly, honestly, and freely. “the most important goodbye is the one I said to Past Mateo, who I left behind at home …” “…Twelve hours ago I received a phone call telling me I’m going to die today, and I’m more alive now than I was then.” (p.227). This event lets the readers realise the growth and quality of life Mateo has gained from this experience. By him just deciding to live, Mateo has let go of his fear and regret, deciding to look forward, now finally happy with himself. The quote “Twelve hours ago I received a phone call telling me I’m going to die today, and I’m more alive now than I was then.” (p.227). Really puts the readers into perspective how much quality of life the readers would also gain if they would choose to actually live instead of fear as this would not lead to regret and despair. Even the fact that Mateo dies, in the end, gives the readers a sense of urgency of achieving this goal before they reach their end too because no one wants to live their lives in regret and this is what is happening in today’s society because everyone not just teenagers are so afraid of taking risks and when they lie in their death bed they are constantly regretting the things they didn’t do. Silvera has not used this event as a ‘happy ending’ like other wider literature as a fairytale ending, instead, Silvera has used this event to show how much better lives teenagers can live and it is so memorable because so many teenagers spend their lives enclosed in their homes, absorbed in video games and ignoring the wide world outside and by pointing out the enormous benefits that can be gained, by just exploring the world and going outside and making new friends can improve someone lives so much and Silvera has shown this through Mateo at first he was a soft depressed teenager and by deciding to explore the world with Rufus his life changed from bad to great. Because if Mateo can live more than his life in an entire day how much better of lives can teenagers hold? Silvera has therefore given teenagers and everyone a chance to come to terms with the reality that no one should fear death as it could lead to regret and despair which is shown by Mateo’s development throughout the book.

Overall the event of Mateo receiving the phone call and the event of Mateo realising what life is has shown me that there is so much to life and that we should enjoy it to the fullest rather than dwelling on our fears of dying. This idea is so memorable to teenagers as they are the ones with the fullest potential to do much better things with their life instead of staying home and playing video games which many teenagers are doing. Silvera skillfully illustrated this concept through Mateo’s growth as a character. Mateo went from beginning the book being terrified and apprehensive and not experiencing life to the fullest to realising what life is and being able to live it fully for a single time. Silvera’s purpose was to show that we can live our lives to the fullest and get the fear of death out of our minds as that could lead to regret and despair.

Kia ora Rudy,

Thanks for sharing your mahi with us. You’ve written a strong introduction as it has a clear answer to the question. Tino pai for using the key words from your question. You do not have to give so much detail about the events. You’re better off saving those for the body paragraphs so you aren’t repeating yourself.

You’ve got a good link back to the question at the end of your first body paragraph but you don’t mention the second half of the question until then. An Excellence level essay needs a balanced response to the question. That means we answer all parts of it throughout the essay, not just at the end of paragraphs. You did this better in the second body paragraph.

Try and bring more discussion of the author’s intent into your explanation of the evidence. For example, when you write:
“words from Mateo particularly stood out to me as even he realised that there is so much”
You could instead phrase it more like:
“Silvera uses quote this to show Mateo realised that there is much to live and explore, but his sadness and anxiety stopped him from doing that.”
Do you see how the changing of language elevates your point?

When you write about techniques, try to think about how the technique creates the effect. For example, how does the repetition of “I have to” put that idea into the reader’s mind?

You don’t have to reference the page number of your quotes. Those are very difficult to remember plus they will be on different pages in different editions of the text. Don’t worry about trying to remember this.

Typically a literature essay is 3 body paragraphs. This is because it requires you to provide a range of evidence and understanding. In writing only two body paragraphs, you are limiting yourself more.

I really like your point about how Silvera chose not to create a happy ending like in fairy tales. I think you could have expanded on this a little more and maybe link it back to the text title too.

I hope this is helpful. Ka pai tō mahi :slight_smile:

What grade do you think this essay is?

What grade do you think this essay is?

Also do u know how you said I should balance the essay, how do you think i should do that. Because all the bridging and techniques are in the middle of the paragraph. I just need a bit of clearing of that, that would be very appreciated!

By balanced essay, we are looking for an even response to the entire question. You shouldn’t be writing your link to the second half of the question only at the end of a paragraph. You did that in your first body paragraph because you only linked to why it idea was memorable for teens at the end of it. In your second, there was a more balanced response because you explained why the idea was memorable for teens both at the beginning and end of the paragraph. This creates a stronger argument.

Oh I get. So We should always link it back to the question at the introduction and at the end. And in the middle its all about bridging and authors purpose. Right? If I do would I get a higher mark?

Oh I get ittttt. So We should always link it back to the question at the introduction and at the end. And in the middle its all about bridging and authors purpose. Right? If I do would I get a higher mark?. And then we can relate to the outside world?

Sounds to me like you’ve got it! The priority is answering the question evenly (that means answering both parts) in every paragraph and showing how your evidence then links to author’s purpose. That’s important to have to reach an Excellence. Going beyond the text is great but that doesn’t get you to an Excellence alone.

Thank you so much for the help!