PLS anyone could I get feedback on my written text essay 1.1. I really need it

Hi this is an another essay I did. Can you pls give me any feedback if possible and tell if its an excellence grade piece or what it would need to be excellence
Describe a memorable idea in a written text you have studied.
Explain why the idea was memorable to teenagers

In the book They both die at the end, written by Adam Silvera a event for Mateo was when he receives the dreading phone call from Death-Cast calling him that he was going to die today, another event was when Mateo finally realised what he had finally done in his life after hanging out with Rufus. The event where Mateo received the phone call helped me understand how precious life is and how you should live every day like it’s your last while the event where Mateo realised what life actually is showed me how we should let our fears of death go and live our lives to the fullest. Through these events, Silvera showed an idea of how memorable it is for teenagers to live their lives without regret and despair.

The fear of dying shouldn’t stop you from doing the things you want to do otherwise it will lead to regret and despair. In the beginning of the book, Mateo got a phone call from Death-Cast informing him he is going to die today. He regrets it immediately “The number one person I’ll miss the most is Future Mateo, who maybe loosened up and lived” Mateo is already looking back at his life thinking about all the opportunities he missed out on. “Loosened up and lived” these words from Mateo particularly stood out to me as even he realised that there is so much to live to explore but his sadness and anxiety stopped him from doing all that. Mateo later on goes on to think about what his headst one should say. “What a waste of a life” “I have to do better, I have to honour this” Mateo realises he has still got time and wants to spend the rest of the day living in another version of himself. The repetition of “I have to” highlighted that Mateo is very eager to change the way he is living and enjoy himself on his last day which he couldn’t do all his life, Silvera has used the repetition to put an idea into the reader’s mind that when it comes to your death you get all the regrets so it’s better you live your life with a purpose from the start and not being afraid of death as having a fear could really set you back from doing the things you want to do such as exploring the world a thing Mateo couldn’t do as he just wanted the safety of his own bed. Silvera’s purpose is to show that we can live our lives with meaning and not think about regrets otherwise it could lead to regret and despair, Silvera has used Mateo’s character in this event to show how his fear of death has led to regret and despair because he was so afraid of trying new things as he wanted the safety of his own bed and staying home. This is so memorable to teenagers because teenagers are at a stage in life where they fall into bad habits and do not live life to the fullest, they are just staying at home and playing stupid video games and instead are not exploring the world which is way more helpful, it can also be linked to the real world because so many people are scared of trying new things eg. Sky diving and when they are in their death bed they are regretting the activities they didn’t do.

Throughout They Both Die at the End, Silvera encourages us to let go of our fears of death because it can lead to regret and despair. This idea is really memorable for teenagers as they can fall into bad habits and not get out as this will lead to regret and despair, we can see that in Mateo’s development. Mateo coming to terms with himself is one of the events that progresses this idea. In which this event he talks to himself about his change in mindset and how that’s allowed him to, after living in fear and now regret, finally let go of the fear of death and lived his life truly, honestly, and freely. “the most important goodbye is the one I said to Past Mateo, who I left behind at home …” “…Twelve hours ago I received a phone call telling me I’m going to die today, and I’m more alive now than I was then.” (p.227). This event lets the readers realise the growth and quality of life Mateo has gained from this experience. By him just deciding to live, Mateo has let go of his fear and regret, deciding to look forward, now finally happy with himself. The quote “Twelve hours ago I received a phone call telling me I’m going to die today, and I’m more alive now than I was then.” (p.227). Really puts the readers into perspective how much quality of life the readers would also gain if they would choose to actually live instead of fear as this would not lead to regret and despair. Even the fact that Mateo dies, in the end, gives the readers a sense of urgency of achieving this goal before they reach their end too because no one wants to live their lives in regret and this is what is happening in today’s society because everyone not just teenagers are so afraid of taking risks and when they lie in their death bed they are constantly regretting the things they didn’t do. Silvera has not used this event as a ‘happy ending’ like other wider literature as a fairytale ending, instead, Silvera has used this event to show how much better lives teenagers can live by keeping away all the useless video games teenagers can explore the world and gain a lot more knowledge. Because if Mateo can live more than his life in an entire day how much better of lives can teenagers hold? Silvera has therefore given teenagers and everyone a chance to come to terms with the reality that no one should fear death as it could lead to regret and despair which is shown by Mateo’s development throughout the book.

Overall the event of Mateo receiving the phone call and the event of Mateo realising what life is has shown me that there is so much to life and that we should enjoy it to the fullest rather than dwelling on our fears of dying. This idea is so memorable to teenagers as they are the ones with the fullest potential to do much better things with their life instead of staying home and playing video games which many teenagers are doing. Silvera skillfully illustrated this concept through Mateo’s growth as a character. Mateo went from beginning the book being terrified and apprehensive and not experiencing life to the fullest to realising what life is and being able to live it fully for a single time. Silvera’s purpose was to show that we can live our lives to the fullest and get the fear of death out of our mind as that could lead to regret and despair.

Kiā ora rudy
Great text. In the intro you need to address both sides of the question. You seem to be answering with an event question rather than an idea question initially. Perhaps you need to make this a bit clearer. The event shows the idea…which is memorable because…
You know this text well and your evidence is sound. But the question is getting lost a biT.
Try again and tweak to the question. One of the best ways to improve is to use the knowledge and reframe it to different questions.
Have a go.
Hope this helps.
JD :grinning:

1 Like

What grade do u think this would be?. Cause I think i adresseed in the last setence of the introduction?

Kiā ora Rudy
I think an M. It is certainly convincing.
Cheers
JD

What do u think i would need to do to make it an excellence?

What do u think I would need to do and get excellence?

Kiā ora
Let’s start with the intro.
You say " a event for Mateo was when he receives the dreading phone call from Death-Cast calling him that he was going to die today, another event was when Mateo finally realised what he had finally done in his life after hanging out with Rufus. The event where Mateo received the phone call helped me understand how precious life is and how you should live every day like it’s your last while the event where Mateo realised what life actually is showed me how we should let our fears of death go and live our lives to the fullest. " The question is not asking for an event it is asking for a memorable idea - so you could include the words 'memorable idea before the bits where you explain what you realised.
You then allude to the second part of the question with "Through these events, Silvera showed an idea of how memorable it is for teenagers to live their lives without regret and despair. Think of how you could include the idea of WHY this idea would be memorable for teenagers. Eg They are faced with the rest of their lives and are beginning to meet things that challenge them, causing regret and despair???
In the next paragraph your example and unpicking of the idea are great and you address the second part well with " This is so memorable to teenagers because teenagers are at a stage in life where they fall into bad habits and do not live life to the fullest, they are just staying at home and playing stupid video games and instead are not exploring the world which is way more helpful, it can also be linked to the real world because so many people are scared of trying new things eg. Sky diving and when they are in their death bed they are regretting the activities they didn’t do."
In the next paragraph you repeat the notion and then deal with the second part with "Silvera has not used this event as a ‘happy ending’ like other wider literature as a fairytale ending, instead, Silvera has used this event to show how much better lives teenagers can live by keeping away all the useless video games teenagers can explore the world and gain a lot more knowledge. Because if Mateo can live more than his life in an entire day how much better of lives can teenagers hold? Silvera has therefore given teenagers and everyone a chance to come to terms with the reality that no one should fear death as it could lead to regret and despair which is shown by Mateo’s development throughout the book."**** You could try and and relate this more closely to the WHY it is memorable, which is the second part. Eg It is memorable because so many teenagers spend their lives enclosed in their homes, absorbed in video games and ignoring the wide world outside and by pointing out the enormous benefits that can be gained…
It is in the fine tuning that the perception related to the question can come through.
Hope this helps
Cheers
JD :grinning:

by relating it to the outside world would that be called perception as that it was it needed for excellence. Like how you did “wide world outside”. ?

by relating it to the outside world would that be called perception as that it was it needed for excellence. Like how you did “wide world outside”. ? and do you think I did the authors purpose well? like appreciation?

by relating it to the outside world would that be called perception as that it was it needed for excellence. Like how you did “wide world outside”. ? and do you think I did the authors purpose well? like appreciation?

Kiā ora Rudy
The perception with excellence is all tied with the author’s purpose. If we assume that a person writes a text with some things - some underlying things they want us to think about, about people, the world etc, then we are thinking about the author’s purpose. It is in making connections to these things that the perception comes. You show that you can see that there is a bigger picture. So you are talking about the notion of living the best life we can so we don’t end up regretting anything.
Now think about this. It is inevitable, because we are human, that we will have to face death, the end of ourselves. Having this knowledge should not stop us from doing everything we want. If we spent every day thinking it was our last we would be consumed by worry and it would affect our wellbeing, but when we are to die, it is important that we do so knowing we have done what we thought was important in our lives. If we have something that preys on our conscience, something that breaks a moral code, for example, we would feel really bad if we had not done anything to make things a bit better. If we faced death also, knowing that we hadn’t done all of the things we wanted to, we would feel a real regret. But if those things we haven’t done were purely selfish, then we wouldn’t feel perhaps as much regret as if we had not done the things that made things better for others. Or would we?
There are a lot of questions here. Should we be living lives that help others? Should we be satisfying our own desires first? Should we have to live by some code that respects life? Or not? Are we meant to isolate ourselves?
It is in the answering of these that the perception comes. You have Mateo sussed, now move to a general discussion - that is the perception.
Hope that makes it clearer.
JD :grinning:

Wait, so do you think I did this? Or I should have discussed it more to the outside world?

If I answered the question more do you think I would get excellence with a little bit more perception?

Kiā ora Rudy
If you go back through what we have discussed and follow the points all will be well. You are doing really well. How about you try another question for the text and think about the mentioning of the words from the question and answering both points in the intro and then getting to the author’s purpose?
Cheers
JD :grinning: