Can I get some feedback on my essay please?

Everyone has a relationship with other people, they may be close, barely in contact or it may be a rivalry. Regardless of how close relationships bring out our negative parts or characteristics. In the novel Animal farm written by George Orwell we can see through the rivalry of Napoleon and Snowball the Negative parts begin to show Through Their rivalry we can see negative parts of Napoleon come out such as his greed, his need for power and his lack of creativity.

Through Napoleon’s relationship with Snowball we can see how greedy he is. In Animal we can see Napoleon and Snowball fighting over things and arguing. Through this rivalry we can see Napoleon’s greed and selfishness. This is most obvious in the text when the animals were voting why they should keep the milk and apples. During the text Snowball and Napoleon are never in agreement about anything every-time Snowball agrees with something Napoleon automatically disagrees. However when the animals were voting the text stated “All the pigs were in full agreement on this point, even Snowball and Napoleon”. This shows that Napoleon is willing to put his rivalry aside just so he can benefit from it. The text here shows Juxtaposition by putting both of them on the same side. Since both pigs are almost exact opposites would mean they wouldn’t agree on anything but since they were able to benefit from it they both agreed. This Juxtaposition is used in the text to really show what Napoleon’s character is like and his true motives. Before this it was not shown that Napoleon was a man of greed but by making him side with Snowball on the apple debate shows how greedy of a pig he is. Through this agreement and change in their rivalry we can see negative traits appear in Napoleon. We can see that he is willing to put his rivalry aside just so he can benefit himself or have more. We can link this to the real world with their real world counterparts of Joseph Stalin and Leon Trotsky. During the Russian revolution after Vladmir Lenin died it was meant to be Leon Trotsky in charge. However Stalin didn’t like the idea that Leon would get the fame and all the money so he started making rumours about him so Russia would turn their back on Leon. This would lead to him having to flee the country and later be killed.

Through Napoleon and Snowballs relationship we see his need for power. Through the text we see the whole point of their arguing is for power. Napoleon desperately wants to be in-charge and will do anything to hold his power. We can see this clearly in chapter 5 when Napoleon orders his dogs to attack Snowball. The text reads “terrible baying sound outside, and nine enormous dogs wearing brass-studded collars came bounding into the barn”. This shows how much Napoleon craves power because before he was attempting to earn his way to power but when that didn’t work he took it by force with his dogs. The technique being used here is imagery. The text uses wording to create an image of how powerful the dogs were in the eyes of the animals. This was so effective because it created perceived power for Napoleon, this perceived power is the main thing that allows him to keep the power he so desperately wants. Through their relationship we are able to see how desperate Napoleon is to be the animal in charge and to control the others. This imagery in the text helps show us Napoleon’s weakness and need for power. We can link this event to the real world when Joseph Stalin and Leon Trotsky were arguing for power after the death of leader Vladamir Lenin. During this event Stalin desperately wanted power so he began to make fake news about Trotsky in his newspaper called the Pravda. This led Russia to turn against Trotsky causing him to be chased out of Russia.

Through the relationship between Napoleon and Snowball we can see how uncreative Napoleon is. While Napoleon and Snowball were debating over power Snowball was coming up with ways to further develop the farm and find new ways to make life easier. However Napoleon was not a great thinker nor creative so it led him to fall back in the shadows for a while Snowball took the spotlight. An example of where Napoleon showed how he wasn’t creative was when he urinated all over Snowball’s plans for building the windmill. The text states “suddenly he lifted his leg, urinated over the plans”. This shows how uncreative Napoleon is by showing that instead of coming up with a new idea to trump Snowballs he decided to just urinate over his plans to destroy them. The technique being used in this part of the text is imagery. It’s using imagery because in the way we read this a specific image that George Orwell wants us to see comes into our heads. This is the image of a Jealous Napoleon who was unable to come up with his own idea so he decides to destroy Snowballs so they are on equal footing. Therefore by Snowball and Napoleons relationship we are able to see the negative trait of Napoleon that is his lack of creativity. We can link this specific part of the text to the real world during the Russian revolution when Leon Trotsky came up with all these amazing ideas to create perfect communism while Joseph Stalin had nothing. During the Russian revolution Leon Trotsky used his superior knowledge to understand the Communist manifesto in more depth than staling and in doing this allowed him to pick up many different ways to change Russia for the better. Stalin didn’t like the way Trotsky was doing this so created lies about him so he would be forced to leave instead of him coming up with ideas himself.

To conclude, through the text of animal farm written by George Orwell we are able to see that through relationships we are able to see negative traits come out. We can best see this through Napoleon and Snowball’s relationship. In this relationship we can see Napoleon’s greed, his need for power and his lack of creativity all through his rivalry with Snowball. These negative traits help us understand the text better by showing why things happen. We can also link this relationship to one in the Russian revolution being Joseph Stalin and Leon Trotsky. This relationship also shows us how negative traits are revealed through relationships.

Kia ora Henry - welcome to Studyit!!

Which question are you answering here (describe and explain)? If you just reply to this comment qith the question we will be able to give you some better feedback :slight_smile:

Hi sorry the question was “name a pivotal relationship in a written text and explain why the relationship was so pivotal.”

Ok great!

So first - you set up the context of the text well in your intro - but why not try to use the key words from the question to signpost to the marker that you are on top of it. Even just “One pivotal relationship was between…” "this was pivotal because…it helps us understand key aspects of Napolean such as his greed, his need for power…etc (as you already have written).

Great use of evidence and a great sense of how this text is an allegory for Russia and the revolution. You might work on how you weave in this link - eg instead of saying “In the real world” - you might try and build the sophistication and seamlessness of this link - try “This reflects history because…” or “Orwell uses this as a clever allegory for the Russian revolution because…” or “Orwell here provides a simple story that can help us understand the complexity of…”

The key thing you will need to work on overall to ensure you get the marks I know you are capable of from what you have written here, is to ensure you are signposting the question. You definitely implicitly suggest that the relationship is pivotal because of what it reveals about the character - however you are not very explicit about this. I would suggest going through and trying to use the key words from the question at least a couple of times per para to check you are addressing them - one thing you can do to check you are doing this in an exam situation is go through and underline where you are answering the question explicitly - and then if you have some paragraphs where you are not, you can add it in.

Well done :slight_smile: